He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize