What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
