wakey wakey hands off snakey
i will never coherently bang her
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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