My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
So much rum. So many feels.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
You kept saying "this bitch", mumbled incoherently for like 5 minutes, took a shot, and kept going.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Randomize
