I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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