Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
its like i get a dick upgrade with every new guy i screw, at this rate i'm scared to see my next one
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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