This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
