Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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