Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
yea..i want to get out of new york for a bit too but for the love of god not to new jersey. that's like getting tired of the stripclub and getting yourself a toothless prostitute.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
WE HAVE TO LEAVE. I HAVE HAD SEX WITH WAY TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS BUS STATION.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
