i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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