remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
