i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
