need another drink. this is the easiest way
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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