Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
Randomize
