I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Wtf happened last night
You traded your bra for a shot so I'd say you probably don't wanna know
Randomize
