mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
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