Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Brutal- a couple weeks back I had a 28 hr blackout and four day hangover. S'why I decided to haul it in
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
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