I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
