drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
