saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
