Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
