you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
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