I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
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