And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
Randomize
