This girl wants me to lick her pits
pits??
Yeah pits, I think I still go for it though
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize