i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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