i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
Randomize
