Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I think my moral compass just broke
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
