I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
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