I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
