I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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