I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
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