I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
Girls should come with a carfax report
My vagina just recognized that song.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
