I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize