8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
I could have mohawked her pubes.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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