His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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