Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He goes to Columbia so regardless of how he looks I should fuck him right?
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
Remember those two guys in our frat that would no homo everything? I just got an invitation to their wedding.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
Randomize
