We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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