I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
