Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
Got high with dad and hunted squirrels in the basement. Is this seriously what my life has come to?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Randomize
