he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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