So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Randomize
