Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
