I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
You only have to pretend to care about soccer until July. HE'S PRETTY DONT RUIN THIS.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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