I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
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