The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
