i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
