he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
At barnes & noble, drinking beer out of thermoses, lookin legit.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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