How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
my phone needs a breathalizer
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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