you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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