feel weird hangin out with you now that i've eaten your sister out
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
