also, you're talking to the girl for whom "deformed baby arm" wasn't quite a dealbreaker.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Randomize
