Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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