It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
This show inspires me to have sex in space
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
True strength comes from lack of pants
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
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