you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
