I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Did you cry?
I don't think so. I definitely lost my cool though
Yeah i think jesus would lose his cool in that situation
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
