Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
Apparently she has a 10 week old kid, which would explain the hallway effect I was feeling.
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Randomize
