Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
Stopping for a booty call on the way to a lunch date... Bad form?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
